


I Hope You Find It

by roseconspiracy



Category: Original Work
Genre: Drug Abuse, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Love, Suicide, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 13:04:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5744908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseconspiracy/pseuds/roseconspiracy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>her love is not enough to put you back together anymore because she's the reason you've fallen apart</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Hope You Find It

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this is something that I didn't know I needed to write but yeah, apparently I did because the idea wouldn't leave me so I was like 'screw it' and wrote it as best as I could. I hope it's okay sorry if it's crap and everything. be warned though, there isn't a happy ending to this. it is sad and it was meant to be sad. sorry for that. sorta.

You’re eight and she’s seven when you first meet. She is bright smiles and even brighter eyes and you think for the first time that maybe happiness is actually a thing and not something your mother says about through a bottle. And she quickly worms her way into your heart and makes a home there and soon she is the only person you’re capable of loving and that should worry you because shouldn’t you love your mother? But then you realize that your mom loves a bottle so she won’t be alone because after all she had muttered it herself before sleeping ‘sometimes I think I love this bottle more than you’ and yeah, ouch. Thanks for that.

You’re fourteen when she ‘falls in love’ for the first time. You tell her to be careful because you can’t stand to see her hurt and god that would be painful for the both of you. But you’re ignored –just like usual, and all you can do is watch in pain as you watch her love someone with everything she has (and for a tiny person that’s a lot but then you already know that from personal experience don’t you ?) and then some. You go to bed at nights, but you stay awake and so does she and sometimes you wish you could kiss her and tell her that you’ve been in love with her for nearly five years but the words stay on your tongue and you aren’t able to get them out so you lay there in the silence and silently suffocate on everything you want to say.

A few months later and it’s the first time she breaks down. It won’t be the last but oh god it’s so fucking painful and maybe you shouldn’t swear (her parents always chuckle when you do and then tell you not to do so when there is a young kid around) but seeing her like that –all broken and small and sobbing that racks her whole body and you don’t know what to do so you just hold her and love her and hope that you can put her back together just a little bit because you know it won’t be you who can put her back together wholly.

At fifteen –her not you –she falls in love again. Except this time, she tells you excitedly, its different. He loves her back and you hate it because it’s true. Logan _does_ love her back. But _he_ isn’t _you_. _He_ hasn’t been in love with her for nearly eight years – _you_ have. You know everything about her and he doesn’t so shouldn’t it be you that she loves? It’s you that knows that she still sleeps with a nightlight because she is terrified of the dark and that she doesn’t like cats because one bit her once and its’ you that know about how when she thinks her parents aren’t looking she will add an extra scoop of ice cream so she has more than her brother (it isn’t a personal thing she says, it’s just so that she can have the last word and be better than him) or that when she is getting ready in the morning you have to give her coffee or she’ll fall asleep when brushing her hair because its calming to her. It’s you who knows that she gives her coffee to homeless people and that once when a homeless person was outside of her house, she gave him a blanket and ‘cooked’ him beans on toast because she felt like she needed to. It’s you who knows that when she was thirteen she fell and cut her knee and didn’t want anyone to know so she tells them it was a cat and ‘of course she didn’t cry’ (she did. She had cried on your shoulder all the way to the hospital where they had needed to give her stitches, subsequently making her cry into your shoulder more). It’s you who knows that she only likes tea if it’s got too much sugar in and a lot of milk and it’s you who knows all of this but she doesn’t seem to grasp this and falls in love with him instead.

When you’re sixteen the two of you are invited to a party. You expect her parents to tell you not to go and have to sneak out (isn’t that what happens in movies?) but they encourage you (or her mom does anyway, her father looks as if he will faint) so you both get ready –her mother helping you which seems weird but again it makes her happy so you don’t say anything because you would do anything to make her happy –and when you’re finished her mother grasps both of you by the arms and tells you to not drink too much and be responsible. She laughs and nods and tells her that Logan (Logan the loser as you call him in your head) will be there so her mom doesn’t need to worry and when her mom flashes you a sad smile you realize her parents know. You want to say sorry for not being the right best friend that her only daughter should have you want to tell her that you are sosososo sorry for falling in love with her daughter but she hugs you and whispers that everything will be alright eventually and god you want to believe her.

When you both get to the party –late since she wanted a McFlurry’s –she gets whisked away in one direction by Logan the Loser and you get pulled in another and you feel a sharp pang of worry because oh fuck she is alone (she isn’t, you know that, she has Logan the Loser to protect her and he will because he loves her but so do you and you should be the one with her not him) but you catch her smiling while someone drags you outside so you force yourself to try and not worry (it won’t work) and Matt (Logan the Loser’s best friend) passes you a drink of something and gives you a sad, bitter smile and you realize that he is in exactly the same boat as you are and give him an identical smile back and you both drink the drink down in one and cough slightly at the taste and the burning at the back of your throat but a few drinks later you can see why your mother had started drinking when your father left because this made it easier to bear and the pain was lessened down for once and your vision was blurry and for once you didn’t feel the pain like a hot iron.

When you’re eighteen, Logan the Loser proposes to her. You’re there and so is Matt and you both look at each other in pure horror because oh fuck what now? You clutch his hand tightly and he clutches yours just as tight back as you wait –both of you selfishly hoping she says no –but you both choke quietly when she says yes. And then you realize that Logan the Loser is an asshole and that you don’t care if it doesn’t rhyme his new nickname is Logan the Bastard Who Broke My Heart and you have a feeling that Matthew (his full name) is thinking something similar only about Bailee and that’s the night you get so drunk –the both of you, together –that you have to be driven in the ambulance and have your stomachs pumped. The next morning you apologize to her mom because she was the one who drove you both to the hospital but she only smiles sadly and tells you she knows and she understands and want to crawl into a hole then because why did she have understanding parents?

At the wedding, you hold your breath as your best friend walks down the aisle and try not to choke on your teary laughter as she tries to play of the stumble in the heels (you had told her not to wear them but she ‘needed them to even the height out a little when he leans down to kiss me after the vows’) but your laughter nearly turns to a sob when you see the pure love in her eyes when she is opposite him (damn her for wanting you near the priest so you can be closer to her) and you feel like a bitch because his eyes reflect hers with pure love and happiness and you don’t want him to be happy. You want him to feel the pain you have felt for ten fucking years as she loves everyone but you.

And on your nineteenth birthday you feel the world slip away in a dirty motel bathroom because you heard that she was pregnant and no, you weren’t going through this for the rest of your life. And the last thing you remember seeing before your vision goes black is empty pill bottles lying in the midst of alcohol bottles that are empty and you realize that her love is not enough to put you back together anymore because she’s the reason you’ve fallen apart but then you realize that you don’t have to worry because you won’t be around to be broken anymore and that’s a comforting thought you think, as you close your eyes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> so there you have it. I hope it was okay, whatever you liked (if you liked any of it) about it, please comment below. I really am sorry that this is crap.


End file.
